Fabric Hoarders Beware!

A recent study has indicated that fabric gives off certain pheromones, that actually hypnotize women and cause them to purchase ungodly amounts.

When stored in large quantities in enclosed spaces, the pheromones (in the fabric) cause memory loss and induce the nesting syndrome (similar to the ones squirrels have before the onset of winter, i.e. storing food) therefore perpetuating their species, and not having a population loss due to their kind being cut up into pieces and mixed with others.  Sound tests have also revealed that these fabrics emit a very high-pitched sound heard only by a select few of women known as customers.

When played backwards on an L.P., the sounds are heard as chants: “Buy Me”, “Cut Me”, “Sew Me”!  In order to overcome the so-called feeding frenzy effect that these fabrics cause, one must wear a face mask when entering a storage facility and use ear plugs to avoid being pulled into their grip.  (One must laugh, however, at the sight of customers in a fabric store, with WW2 army gas masks and headphones!)

Studies have also indicated that aliens have inhabited the earth, helping to spread the effect that these fabrics have on the human population.  They are called “Fabrics Store Clerks”.  It’s also been my experience that these same pheromones cause a pathological need to secret the fabric purchases away when taken home (or at least blend them into the existing stash) and when asked by a significant other if the fabric is new, the reply is “I’ve had it for a while”.

(Originally published in August 1997 in the Western North Caroline Quilters Guild Newsletter)